Rejection
5am; I wake from dreaming of the online courses and the long list of Activities to be done but not done yet. I see the whole courses’ work as though it should already be done, submitted.
“You are behind.” A voice says, somewhere inside.
“I’m an ass?”
“Yes… you are also behind.”
I recall again yesterdays’ frustration at having to upload completed exercises and finding the Server crashes at the moment I do, losing all that work. I persist, one, two, three, four times, for two hours, body turning to stone with the tension this creates, and finally see my work where it should be but not as I would have it be. Resolve to do in future as I should have in the first place, create drafts in hard copies in my paper notebook and electronic one that can then be uploaded so that if the Server crashes in the seconds I try to place my work at least it won’t be lost and I, already behind, having to start again.
It brings up what is most familiar…. Rejection. This is what I have experienced more then anything else, a fob off of my breath, the words it launches, the smile on my face, my open welcoming embrace of all until I am an entity instead of a human being. Rejected by all and sundry...everyday... as are we all in small and large doses, yet know where I am never rejected....
I rise early to spend time with our Creator, for attunements to help the day wonderfully unfold. In some minds I know this will make rise the phrase ‘the stone that was rejected’ and where it comes from and what it sings. In others this is mere extra correlation of emails that bounce back and Servers that crash in the instant what is sought is about to be revealed. At 5am, this morning, this sense also, along with the forgiveness for all and self being sought and given, along with the hot tears of Salvation that are washing away one after another of the small and large blocks this constant and without exception rejection has caused, are bringing to mind how often and how much we all reject the small still voice that is offered, that surrounds and embraces us each and every day. Each and every night too, if you want to count the seconds, the moments of being supported, protected and guided, the questions asked for which answers are always given.
The hot tears turn into release, and with this comes relief, as though cell by cell light is returned, cell by cell lit up again and these, unblocked of the dimness forced on them, are now once more filled with an energy that will allow me to receive.
This is what I asked for just a few days ago, to have removed from me that which is in me that blocks my receiving all I need, all I dream of, in an abundance of shelter, of food, of love. This, instead of the tribute to joy each dawn attunement and prayer usually causes, is what I experience.
I will still get rejected, not all people choose to try, try and try again. Not many have in them an inability to consciously and deliberately hurt another in small and large ways each and every day. Just now, at 6.30am, another of the household has risen and ignored my cheery ‘good morning’, farted, scowled, and said back, eventually, ‘what’s good about it?!’ before launching into a rant about how tough their life is, a life that, from my perspective, has been free of rejection, hunger, and dreams denied. I ask that they receive all they need to remove the blocks in them that stops them from receiving what they really really need and return, from the shaking that came during the hot tears, to my usual calm, happy state of joy and gratitude.
I will be more careful of rejecting the moment by moment gifts that are poured on me. I will become more aware of keeping myself in a state to receive.
And keep a back up copy of everything for when the Internet, and the cloud of WWW that forms as weather over it, create fits of vortex rather then sweet lift to my wings.
This may create a halo around me that changes, by its energy, all around me and all that comes near me in a way that prepares the way before me.
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